the word genie should be interpreted loosely

Oh, Diaper Genie! What promise you held in your pretty box at my baby shower! Your shiny, white, unsullied and scent-free white container of diaper-stench-containing goodness mesmerized me. As I nested in the nursery in the weeks leading up to my due date, I pictured changing our sweet baby there and quickly tucking the offending soiled diaper away within your confines.

And then I used you.

"Is this a gag gift?" asked my bleary-eyed husband as he violently tried to ram a dirty diaper through the clenched, angry jaws of the Genie. "It can't be that hard," I smirked, chalking up his inability to conquer the Genie to new dad ineptitude. After all, it's listed as a Top Registry Item! on babiesrus.com. How can that many consumers be wrong?

They are so, so wrong. As I read Wiped: life with a pint-size dictator, I scoffed at the author's description of her struggles to figure out how to use the Diaper Genie. Shockingly, she wasn't that far off.

The makers of the Genie should consider revising their instruction manual.

Step 1. Fold up dirty diaper so it is no bigger than the size of an Oreo cookie.

Step 2. Open lid to Diaper Genie. Curse as the lid flies off at the lightest touch and ends up under the changing table or behind the dresser. Retrieve it later, or not at all.

Step 3. Press diaper down into Diaper Genie.

Step 4. Keep pressing.

Step 5. Pause to swear. Resume pressing.

Step 6. Finally smoosh diaper between two hard plastic spring-loaded jaws into a bag of other soiled, smooshed diapers. Do so quickly so as not to release the toxic fumes building up within unit.

Step 7. Extract scratched, dirty hands from Genie's jaws.

People say the weirdest things to pregnant women.

By far, my favorite:

"I know what you been doin'! You been SCREWIN'!"
-- yelled loudly by an obese, semi-toothless man wearing overalls and walking with a cane, as he passed me at the grocery store

And then, some random others:

"NOTHING looks cute on a woman who's 9 months pregnant. NOTHING."
-- said by someone I'd just met at a party, who then looked at me, gaped for a moment, stuttered ... and then shockingly apologized.

"Are you sure there aren't twins in there?"
-- a friend's well-meaning mother

"You look too small for XX weeks ... are you eating/is the baby ok/are you seeing a doctor?"
-- too many people to count

"Pack up those cookie sheets. You don't need to be eating cookies. You're pregnant."
-- our realtor

Another popular version: "You're going to eat/drink THAT?"
-- coworkers, mostly

"She likes your milk."
-- our realtor again, explaining why a toddler I had just met liked me

"Oh, I had a stillborn baby at 40 weeks."
-- ultrasound technician (one would think people in this line of work would know not to say things like that to pregnant women!)

"Do you want that DECAF?"
-- Starbucks barista, after glancing at my belly

I've come to the conclusion that rather than using the Think, Then Speak method of communicating, most people operate under the Blurt Out Thoughtless Things, Then Go On Their Merry Way school of thought. Good times.