no photos, please

Olivia unsuccessfully attempts to fool the paparazzi.

the word genie should be interpreted loosely

Oh, Diaper Genie! What promise you held in your pretty box at my baby shower! Your shiny, white, unsullied and scent-free white container of diaper-stench-containing goodness mesmerized me. As I nested in the nursery in the weeks leading up to my due date, I pictured changing our sweet baby there and quickly tucking the offending soiled diaper away within your confines.

And then I used you.

"Is this a gag gift?" asked my bleary-eyed husband as he violently tried to ram a dirty diaper through the clenched, angry jaws of the Genie. "It can't be that hard," I smirked, chalking up his inability to conquer the Genie to new dad ineptitude. After all, it's listed as a Top Registry Item! on babiesrus.com. How can that many consumers be wrong?

They are so, so wrong. As I read Wiped: life with a pint-size dictator, I scoffed at the author's description of her struggles to figure out how to use the Diaper Genie. Shockingly, she wasn't that far off.

The makers of the Genie should consider revising their instruction manual.

Step 1. Fold up dirty diaper so it is no bigger than the size of an Oreo cookie.

Step 2. Open lid to Diaper Genie. Curse as the lid flies off at the lightest touch and ends up under the changing table or behind the dresser. Retrieve it later, or not at all.

Step 3. Press diaper down into Diaper Genie.

Step 4. Keep pressing.

Step 5. Pause to swear. Resume pressing.

Step 6. Finally smoosh diaper between two hard plastic spring-loaded jaws into a bag of other soiled, smooshed diapers. Do so quickly so as not to release the toxic fumes building up within unit.

Step 7. Extract scratched, dirty hands from Genie's jaws.

shake it like a polaroid picture

Note to self: in addition to finally making a tornado emergency kit for the basement and babyproofing the house, go ahead and add earthquakes to your master list of Things To Worry About.

Nothing like waking up to your bed swaying and sheer panic to start the day off right!
http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080418/LOCAL/80418002
http://earthquake.usgs.gov/

I never

Pre-kids, I always used to scoff and say I would never do certain things. I'm finding that when it comes to parenting, never say never.

Most embarrassingly, I'll confess that I've become one of those parents. I'm not proud of it, but I have sniffed the baby to see if her diaper needs changing. Gah. Hey, when they're that little, it's not always immediately evident, and you don't want to stress them out by fiddling with their outfits only to be fooled by a false alarm, right?

And even worse (as if it's possible to top diaper sniffing), I have dug baby boogers from her nose ... with my bare hand. Sometimes you just do what you have to do. I don't recognize myself these days.

2 feet high and rising

Miss Olivia Kate is 2 feet long as of today! The pediatrician was impressed with that and exclaimed, "You've got a two-footer!" upon measuring her. That means that she's somewhere in the 95th percentile for length, but at only 10 pounds 11 ounces, she falls in the 25th percentile for weight. The ped isn't concerned about her weight gain, so I'm trying not to begin the cycle of inevitable comparisons ("So and so's baby weighed 14 pounds at two months!") and worry. Long and skinny is a good way to be, so here's hoping she stays that way.

She got her 2-month shots today, too. She must have been feeding off my anxiety and worry, because she went into howler monkey meltdown mode the minute we started taking her clothes off. When the ped came in, she had tears streaming down her cheeks and was all red, and that was before the exam! Despite all the controversy about vaccines -- whether to get them at all, whether to delay or space them out -- we decided to go ahead and have them done on schedule and all at once. The doctor said he didn't feel that there was any cause for concern, no reason to delay them, and no reason to space them out. Because he has a medical degree and I don't, I chose to go with his advice. Perhaps this will be one of the many parenting decisions I later have guilt about, but I hope not.

The poor kiddo ended up with four band-aids: two on each thigh, and all different colors, presumably color coded for the vaccine. She also received an oral vaccine that she seemed to find quite tasty. Thankfully, other than being a little fussy and sleeping a bit more than usual for the next day, she didn't have any adverse reactions. Bonus: Daddy was able to remove the band-aids without any crying.

adventures in pumping

Sleep deprivation can do strange things to you. For example, it sounds like my pump is talking when it's on. The initial cycle sounds like "Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!" or the creepy "What a ho! What a ho! What a ho!" When it switches to the second cycle, I've heard:

(note, these are all repeated over and over and over for 30 minutes, enough to drive even the most sane to the brink.)

dinner plate
Kate
weirdo
HEY!
wake up
wheat cup
harelip, woof!

I have also forgotten to attach the collection bottle to the flanges. I only realized it when I came out of my middle of the night haze and wondered why my pant leg was suddenly wet. I looked down to see my precious, meager milk supply dripping out onto my jeans. You don't know sadness until you've spilled some breast milk, my friends.

two months old!

• Numerous visits to lactation consultants and rental of a hospital-grade pump ... $340
• Concealers and undereye creams to cover dark circles resulting from 2 months of little sleep ... $100
• One quick trip to Babies R Us for diapers, wipes, and formula ... $150
• Having a sweet, happy baby who is adorable even when she's screaming like a howler monkey ... priceless.

sometimes my face hurts ...

... and it takes me a moment to realize that it's because I've been smiling for so long at my sweet little girl. Never in a million years did I think that I could love someone so much.